Because I'm actually a tiny old woman.

I am actually a little old woman living in the body of a 32 year old woman. Need proof? I checked this out from the library:

I have loved Hyacinth Bucket ("that's pronounced Bouquet") since high school when these shows were still on the air. I still look up online clips and once in a while I use to catch a show while we still lived in TN. This was on the "new" shelf at the local library and I did everything but squee but when I saw it.

No need to watch it unless you're familiar with the show or terribly curious. I can admit it's an acquired taste. 

Ok ok I did squee. But very politely and as quietly as I could. I was standing in a library after all. In the same order I checked out a copy of an Agatha Christie movie from 1978. I'm sure if my library card record is ever used in a court of law they'll be really nervous. Split personality? The girl with the funky ear piercing (I have 8 in my lobes as well as tragus piercings) and sometimes funky hair color reads old lady books?

That probably puts me in a profile I'd rather not consider.

But the old lady in me is in a bookish state of mind and needs more to read. So could any of you out there in internet land make some suggestions? 

Here's my hang ups:

1) Stories involving peril to small children. Can't handle it. Won't go there.

2) Stories with no likable characters even if it's well written or even a classic. If I can't root for someone I quickly loose interest in it.

3) Clowns. 

4) Sexual stories. I have a preteen who is terrible to pick up any book and start reading where ever the bookmark is in the story so G and PG only please.

5) Stories with heavy profanity. Even if appropriate in a characters development. See above reason.

So. Suggestions anyone?